Dominic Collins

LYRICS
All songs and lyrics copyright:
© Dominic Collins

Canadian Geese Over Ancoats Skies

I’ve seen Bobby Moore lifting up the world cup, 66 was the season
I remember Neil Armstrong walking on the moon, for no apparent reason
But I just seen something the other day, It took me by surprise
I saw Canadian geese fly over ancoats skies

I’ve seen technology involve from plains and cars
I saw Mandela coming out from years behind bars
But what I saw something on my way to work, I had to rub my eye’s
I saw Canadian geese fly over Ancoats skies

Chorus
I saw a Herron diving in the river irk
While I was on my way to work
And I never thought that I’d ever meet,
A flock of geese, down on Collyhurst Street

I have played the national lottery but I’ve won nought in years
I remember john Lennon got shot because I shed a few tears
But I saw something near the crusty cob, that’s where I go for my pies
I saw Canadian geese fly over ancoats skies
Yes I saw something near the crusty cob, that’s where I go for my pies
I saw Canadian geese fly over ancoats skies

I Used To Work On The Waltzes

I worked on a fair on the waltzes
I’d get spun around and thrown on my back
One day I was late and the boss couldn’t wait
To say sorry you just got the sack

I really liked that job I was sick as a parrot
I’ll tell you how sick I was

Well I was gutted like Beckham in the world cup
Remember when he got sent off red card and a whistle
I took my boss to court and won more than I thought
Cos I sued him for funfair dismissal

Does My Arse Look Big In These?

We both made up just the other night because we had a blazing fight
When she told me I could do one when I please
Now I don’t believe what I’ve just said, I’ve shot myself right in the h
When she asked me does my arse look big in these?

Well I’ve never been a diplomat when it comes to saying things like that
But on this occasion I’m afraid I did not twig
I like to tell the honest truth and she really hit the bleeding roof
When I said it’s your fat that makes arse look big

Well a month went by and we never spoke
I convinced her it was just a joke
And I asked for her forgiveness on my bended knees
And I don’t believe what I just said as she was struggling on the bed
And she asked me does my arse look big in these

You see I’ve always been an honest guy who doesn’t like to tell a lie
But on this occasion I’m afraid I did not twig
I like to tell the honest truth and she really hit the bleeding roof
When I said it’s your fat that makes arse look big

On Tuesday nights it’s slimming world
She goes there with another girl
They said they’d like to loose some off their hips
And because all week they’ve had no grub
When they get weighed its down the pub
For Lager, then pudding peas and chips

Well I’ll buy some chocolates anyway and she’s partial to the odd milk tray
My wife’ She’s always been a little tease
Cos I’m a fairly sort of peaceful guy, next time Ill tell a little lie
When she ask’s me does my arse look big in these

Ill say no your arse does not look fat, it suits you having an arse like that
It’s really working you being on a diet
It’s falling off you in every place; I didn’t recognise your face
Ill say anything for a bit of piece and quiet

Our Kid

My brothers just swallowed some Bob Martin pills
As my mother explained to the quack
You see she’s worried indeed cos he’s not on a lead
And when she whistled he never came back

How many pills has he had said the doc
Mum said about ten at the most
He said look in the park until it’s going dark
Then check every other lamppost

When I spotted our kid being sick down a grid
I said come here and tell me what’s up
How long you been this way, he said he wouldn’t like to say
It started when I was a pup

I said come back with me and come away from that tree
If you come back we’ll all understand
So to get him near home I held out a bone
And the sod snatched at my hand

When we got our kid home with the aid of the bone
Mum said that she thinks he’s gone crackers
She said he never was bright, Dad said he’s all right
I can tell cos he’s licking his knackers

Now he’s doing all right but he wont sleep at night
The doc said it takes time to get better
So we don’t let him out when theirs fireworks about
Or the postman is posting a letter

He’s a lot better I feel after his little ordeal
It’s the last time he said he’ll eat a full doggie meal
He said he’s very embarrassed about the majority of this
And he can’t pass a tree without having a piss

And he’s split up with his girlfriend for just little while
She said when he wants sex its got to be doggie style
Then he’s sniffing her bottom that’s what dogs do for thrills
And that got me thinking
I think I’ll start taking bob martin pills

The Crusty Cob

If you go down on your way to town and you want a pie to eat
The Crusty cob’s the place to go for a potato pie with meat
The girls are very friendly there they all know what to do
You’ll know they work in the crusty cob cos they like a pie or two

We called into Mc Donald’s to try a big Mac meal
It tastes a bit like cardboard and I t wasn’t a good deal
While I was eating my big Mac they offered me a job
I wouldn’t work in here my friend, but I’d work in the crusty cob, because

Chorus
There pies are like orgasmic there the best you’ll ever taste
It’s full of meat and gravy and nothing goes to waste
If the formula was stolen it will be controlled by the mob
I could picture Tony Soprano inside the crusty cob

I’ve been to Harry Ramsdend’s and tasted Harry’s test
It wasn’t that impressive and I know witch I like best
Eight pounds fifty for fish and chips cos its done in a secret fat
I could go to the crusty cob all week for the price I paid for that

I once went down to china town to sample their cuisine
It worked out quite expensive if you know what I mean
At least Dick Turpin wore a mask when he was on the rob
If it’s all the same stick your beef chow mien Ill go to the crusty cob, because

To broaden my horizons we went to the curry mile
She said it makes a pleasant change for us to dine in style
Then they put the food in front of me and telling you no lie
I just can’t sit and eat this shit I’ll have a crusty pie

I’ve dined inside the Midland and I’ve tried the food that’s posh
It looks real nice sitting on the plate but not a proper nosh
I didn’t feel at home in there cos I’ve never been a snob
You can stick your cor don bluer misseure Ill go to the crusty cob, because

Some people go there everyday and I’m telling you no lies
When you see them you’ll start singing who’s ate all the pies
And if you buy this record I should make a couple of bob
That will be more money for me to spend inside the Crusty cob

The Pubs Down Oldham Road

I couldn’t wait to leave our school I didn’t want to learn
And I couldn’t wait to get a job to see what I could earn
When I burnt my old school uniform I remember how good it feels
And I also burnt my Timpson’s shoes with a compass in the heels

I was just fifteen when the youth club scene started wearing thin
So we tried some pubs on Oldham road to see if they’d let us in
We didn’t have designer beers, we never had much choice
So I’d ask for a pint of your finest mild in my deepest voice

Chorus
And we never missed a pub down Oldham road
All the way to Manchester so our wild oats could be sowed

I started drinking with the boys when I was barely just a child
We’d dance and sing make lots of noise on just 3 pints of mild
When I got to the bottom of Oldham road I was always on my knees
I never got to Manchester just fell in the Cheshire Cheese

I’d wear my suite my penny round with a crombie, I was smart
Then I’d set of down Oldham road and hope to meat a tart
With my new crew cut and the smell of brut my shoes they use to gleam
And all the pubs on Oldham road was the best there’s ever been

It was just ten pence for a pints of mild but I was never keen
I used to wear big platform shoes to make me look eighteen
The jukebox played to the sound of Slade singing come on feel the noise
As we all set sail down Oldham road at weekend with the boys

Now as I walk down Oldham road there’s not a pub in sight
Protection rackets closed them down and the landlords lived in fright
But the memories are in my mind it was a teenage dream
And all the pubs on Oldham Road were the best there’s ever been

And we never missed a pub down Oldham road
All the way to Manchester so our wild oats could be sowed

I’m Not Looking Forward To Dying But I Think I Need The Rest

Clock goes off six am, kids are up and they’re knackered again
Round of toast were on our way, start of another stressful day
I try to be a real good dad and I always do my best
I’m not looking Forward to dying but I think I need the rest

I’m late again work today, after spending hours on the motorway
A twelve-hour shift on my feet, just to try and make ends meet
My gaffer’s gonna dock my pay and he says he’s not impressed
I’m not looking Forward to dying but I think I need the rest

When I get home Finally arrive, someone’s parked across my drive
What a stupid place for you to park it, She said let’s go to the supermarket
We always go Asda or to Tesco’s, there the best
I’m not looking Forward to dying but I think I need the rest

And when I’m finally laid to rest, I’ll be there in my coffin in my Sunday best
Don’t come round and shed no tears, it’s the best rest that I’ve had in years
You know what my epitaph will say, it’s written in gold crest
He wasn’t looking forward to dying but at least having a rest
He wasn’t looking forward to dying but now I’m having a rest

Tequin Has A Nasty Cough

Tequin has a nasty cough Tequin has a tickle
Little did he know his cough would land him in a pickle
The Major he was pretty thick it was obvious he’d fail
He didn’t even know that Audrey’s daughter was called Gail

Now the major wasn’t going well he struggled down the line
Then luck was on his side that night as he ran out of time
And the major’s wife was stony faced but no one dare would tell her
I’m not quite sure what her name was but I think it was Cruella

They formulated an elaborate plan soon to be apparent
To steal a million pounds from that nice man they called Chris Tarrent
They never used technology to try to pull it off
Tequin said I’ve sorted it we’ll use a secret cough

Chorus

It’s one cough for yes and two for no
And if I cough three times then take it slow
If you here me sneeze the answer’s binned
And if you here me fart then I’ve just got wind

Now the major said now come on son you must be bleeding joking
He said no I’ve got a bronchial cough I picked it up from smoking
But the plan was doomed to fail that night it was obvious in the end
They had used up all their luck that night and even pone a friend

Chorus

Tequin said when he gets his dosh his life won’t be the same
The first thing that he’s gonna do is buy a proper name
The production team they smelted a rat that cough in certain places
They never realized the cameras would be on their faces

Chorus

Now the major seemed like the kind of guy who’s never been a chancer
But on the night he looked a pillock and that’s my final answer
There was only ten million witnesses a major and a toff
And they tried to steal a million quid cos tequin had a cough

Our New Ancoats Maisonette

As kids we lived in a council house near Ancoats boxing club
We’d gather round a two bar fire while my dad was in the pub
Me mam lived in the kitchen, and the door would be on the latch
And they both thought we was really posh cos we had a serving hatch

They really loved that brand new house; it was the best that they could get
And my mam and dad was really proud, of our Ancoats maisonette

Our Maisonette was there pride and joy; it was better than what we had
My mam would sit on the arm of the couch and look out for my dad
Me Mam she came from southern Ireland, it was hard to understand her
She’d nosey through our neighbor’s windows from our new veranda

They really loved that brand new house; it was the best that they could get
And my mam and dad was really proud, of our Ancoats maisonette

My dad would take me to main road to watch the super blues
I couldn’t walk at his fast pace cos I wore my brothers shoes
I’d have my wooden rattle my oxo scarf and vest
We had bell lee and summerbee,they had Charlton law and best

They really loved that brand new house; it was the best that they could get
And my mam and dad was really proud, of our Ancoats maisonette

Me dad put down half carpet and half oilcloth on the floor
mam used to borrow money from the club man at the door
mam once got a ubank as a present from my dad
And she used it with her shake and vac on the half carpet we had

They really loved that brand new house; it was the best that they could get
And my mam and dad was really proud, of our Ancoats maisonette

No more wash-house on a Monday morning, with the washing on a pram
No more cleaning out the old coal fire no more chimneys no more smog
No more sitting in the cold back yard now we got our indoor bog

They really loved that brand new house; it was the best that they could get
And my mam and dad was really proud, of our Ancoats maisonette

New Years Eve 1967

We’re on the step I’m cold and It’s freezing
It’s ten to twelve and it’s New years evening
We’re thrown outside while me dad gets the beer in
It’s always us who lets the New Year in

The only reason that were stuck out there
Cos me and our kid have both got black hair
I’ve had a drink of snowball from my mother
And were stuck out side just me and my brother

Chorus

And we’re thrown outside every New Years Eve
It’s superstitious so were led to believe
We got coal and bread and a half a crown
And were throw outside in our dressing gown

And my feet are freezing cos I’m in me socks
And the tellys full of drunken jocks
And I’ve had another sip of my mam’s egg flip
And I think that soon I’m gonna be sick

Should all acquaintances be forgot?
I can here the drunken revelers shout
For the sake of Auld Lang sine they sing
Whatever all that’s about

It’s amazing all the folks that you get
At a new years party in our maisonette
We had a lot more friends than you’d ever think
It’s because me mam said they’d be free drink

My gran would do the hokey kokey
She’d always put her left leg in
Me mam would buy a big pork pie
That always had a piece of egg in

The babysham would flow like there was no tomorrow
And they’d drink from glasses that my mam had to borrow
The kids would have corona from the mineral man
And my dad would have red barrel from a party can